TV Time-outs

There was a time when hockey didn't have advertising on the boards or on the ice. The NFL didn't take TV time-outs, and the play of the game wasn't brought to you by Viagra. When ever I think about old time hockey, or Bill Mazeroski's walk off home run I think of Al Pacino's quote in Any Given Sunday "It's TV, it changed everything, changed the way we think forever. I mean the first time they stopped the game to cut away to some fucking commercial that was the end of it. Because it was our concentration that mattered, not theirs, not some fruitcake selling cereal."

I love to listen to the old radio and tv calls from classic games. I love watching old highlights. It reminds me of a simpler time, a time when sports were pure and atheletes didn't have twitter accounts.

Kirk Gibson's Homerun

Snacks and Shit

Ever wish their was a site that was devoted to nonsensical rap lyrics

Slip N Slide

One thing I miss from my childhood more than anything is a Slip N Slide. I wish I could Slip N Slide everyday for the rest of my life.

More TV to love

Summer, its the time for BBQ's, drinks on the patio, camping and all those other cheerished outdoor activities. It is also the time where a plethora of typically terrible shows get dumped, exluding So You Think You Can Dance and Hells Kitchen.

In the interest of full disclosure I have never seen this show but the commercials alone make me wonder where Fox will draw the line of decency. The show I'm talking about is....wait for it....More To Love. In case you haven't seen the commercials it is a the Batchelor with "regular" (a few extra lbs) women. Oh and the dude is husky too.

It's not that the idea is aweful, I think in the right framework it is actually a good show to have on air, showing average people on air more often would go a long way to redefing what the populace deems to be "normal".

The problem lies with in the advertising. The More To Love name is almost clever, but the sly play on words in the ads for the show are too much. The announcer says "tune in to the biggest date night yet" with an ever so slight emphasis on the word biggest. They might as well just say the show is tons of fun.

Michael Jackson is an alien

Its been just over three weeks since MJ moon walked into the afterlife. Since then wild stories have been plastered all over the tabloids and CNN, which has basically become a tabloid. People are speculating about his death, was it murder? Was he gay? Was he a pedophile or an autopedophile? I admit I am curious to see what bizarre secrets are lying in wait to be uncovered post mortem. And then it got me thinking is there anything that I wouldn't believe if I heard it?

If I picked up a legitimate news paper and heard there was a sex tape of MJ and a monkey found I would undoubtedly believe that. If I found out his face was actually a mask made from babies and snake oil I would buy it. Is there anything that you wouldn't believe about MJ?

I like blogs

I know everyone and their dog has a blog but I enjoy them, especially themed blogs like these.

Happiest People Ever - happy no, sarcasstic yes.

This one is for Tina

For those who like to humiliate their pets

Cakes!

This is why your fat - not my words just the name of the blog.

Who would have thought that people are uglier upside down.

For some reason a website exists that feature celebrities whose faces are upside down. It is both terrifying and amazing.

The King of Pop

In case you just crawled out of a cave in Tikrit the King of Pop died yesterday. When a celebrity especially a house hold name celebrity dies there will always be a high level of media and fan interest. I realize and have accepted the fact that when I die there will be no mass candle light vigils at my hospital, or coverage on CNN, and I'm fine with that.

What I don't understand is the wackadoos who are still gathered at the hospital where he died. They're singing and crying and hugging and doing what ever else wackadoos do. I get that a fan may want to leave some flowers at what ever location the grieving masses have spontaneously decided is now and MJ memorial. But come one, did a pop star who hasn't been relevant in years and has become a disturbing cross between a 70 year old tranny and skeletor really have that much impact on your life that you are so crestfallen that you need to weep with other grieving MJ wackaddos?

On tv they showed a group of 13 year old distraught girls crying and hugging with MJ "we love you MJ" signs. This really preplxed me. These girls would only know the creepy plastic surgery MJ. The MJ that was accused of being a diddler, and who wears a surgical mask and dangles his children over balconies. How did they become fans? And where are their parents? Why are they allowed to gather with wackadoos on a school night.

Didn't see that coming

Better than Benifer?

I used to think Benifer was the best celeb couple name. Especially since it was interchangeable when Ben went From J-lo to Garner. Funny and versatile.

That was replaced with the slightly less creative but equally funny Tomkat. Brangelina is a bit of a stretch. But my new favourite is Gyllenspoon. Gylynhal is funny enough but you add spoon to the mix and hilarity ensues.

Nothing hotter than chicks who pack...

Who said tactical clothing had to be unfashionable.

Sunday TV better than ever?

I think Sunday TV is better than ever. I remember back in the day you were stuck watching golf or Roadhouse on TBS. Now there are so many more channels and so many cool shows. You can watch midgets...err little people going about their daily routine. Or you can watch world class chefs square off in a kitchen stadium, or find out who would win in a battle Ninja's or Spartan's. Makes for a great day of lying on the couch and stuffing your face full of cookies.

30 years old and brawling

Last night at our hockey game a actual fight broke out. Not one with pushing and shoving and cat pawing with your gloves on. A drop the gloves and throw bombs fight. So what right? Happens all the time in hockey.

Not in the lowest division rec hockey league. I've played 4 seasons and have never seen the gloves dropped ever. The best part was it wasn't the team jackass (Ryan) who fought, or the team shit-talker (me) it was the team accountant (Chris). It was worth it to see Chis get crazy red faced angry Chris. Its like the Hulk but red instead of green and less intimidating.

95% of people have nothing to say...

I read an article in the NY times that said 95% of blogs are abandoned. That means out of the 111 million blogs out there over a hundred million people have nothing worthy to contribute. I actually though it would be higher. Like 99.9%.

Got car phone?

Remember when there were car phones? Actual phones mounted and tied to the car? It was so wierd having an actual phone number dedicated to your car.

Does advertising ever work?

I rarely ever buy anything solely because of advertising. However I will be purchasing a six pack of dos equis beer shortly solely based on this commercial.

Worse than the Snuggie

If you buy this product you need to have a lobotomy for your own safety.

90210

Tina has been watching 90210 recently. I didn't realize how bad the fashion was in the 90's. These are supposed to be cutting edge richy riches and they have the worst clothes I've seen. I also didn't realize what an after schedule special it was.

We watched a racial episode, a cheating episode, and pre-marital sex episode and an abusive relationship episode. And as always Brandon brought his wholesome mid-Western morals to the party and pointed us in the right direction. WWBD? My new moto.

Thanks a lot Lucy

Last night, the Canucks pulled the Lucy act again. They suckered me in with a great regular season, the first playoff series sweep in franchise history and at the last possible second they pulled the proverbial football away yet again. And I like the nieve eternal optimist Charlie Brown fell for it again. I'd like to say things will be different next season, I'd like to say I'm done getting suckered in, but I like Charlie Brown will fall for the sweet promiss of our beloved Lucy.

Perez Hilton kills puppies

By now I think everyone has heard about the controversy that celebrity blogger and professional duchebag Perez Hilton caused over the question he asked on the Miss America Pageant. The fact that Perez is associated whatsoever with the Pageant show just how irrelevant the title of Miss America is.

As far as Miss California being against gay marriage, I don't really care. It's not my opinion, I disagree with her but she is entitled to her opinion, just as I am entitled to my opinion that Perez Hilton kills puppies. What I can't stand is Perez Hilton lambasting her every chance he gets. I get it, he's gay and she represents rightwing America and all that stands in his way of gay bliss. But Perez is making the rounds on all the news shows with his holier than thou rhetoric. This is the same man whose 15 minutes came by drawing semen stains on celebrity’s faces, and pictures of cocks on celeb photos.

If this is gay marriage’s white night, the cause is in big trouble. Why does anybody give two shits what Perez Hilton has to stay? I don't know who I care less about, a fat computer warrior who draws jizz stains on Lindsay Lohan or the runner up on Miss America? What I know for sure is that I couldn't care less about either one of them or what they think about anything.

Get Your Swine Flu Shot

I guess the Swine Flu's been around for awhile. Here is a propaganda ad from 1976.

Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish...

that I lived in Stars Hollow.

that I shopped at famers markets.

that I could play guitar.

that I could sing and compete on American Idol.

that my dog would let me clip his nails.

that I could fit into those cool vintage slim shirts and skinny jeans and I could walk around like a hipster.

that I could grow a real beard.

that I could meet Gordon Ramsay.

that I went to a coffee shop/small cafe where the proprietor knew me and always knew what I wanted to order, and I would bring my laptop and do work during lunch in the corner booth.

that I knew magic.

Lego isn't just for kids.

Go Canucks

I love playoff hockey. But there is something special about the playoffs when your home team is in it. The thing I love most is you always have something to talk about with strangers.

I don't advocate talking with strangers for no reason but when you're in an elevator or chatting with the Subway Sandwich Artist you always have something in common. Even people who don't follow hockey have no choice to know what is happening in the playoffs because the Canucks are everywhere!

The only thing scarier than Joan Rivers is?

Her daughter, Melissa Rivers.

91 cents

Today I bought a bottle of water at Staples. Including tax it cost $1.09. I gave the cashier $2. She had to get out a calculator to figure out my change. The other girl working with her said "I thought you were in college" she replied "ya, but I didn't take math".

Observe and Report

I just had the pleasure of watching Observe and Report. It was amazing. Freaking hilarious. Half the time your laughing at the sheer audacity of the movie, which isn't always a good thing but in this case it works. It is a departure from Seth Rogan's usual loveable stoner characters and light hearted movies. It is definately a dark comedy. Ray Liota goes on an epic rant, there is the sickest male nudity scene ever captured on film, and a truly cringe worthy sex scene. What more could you ask for.

Boom.

Sluggish Economy Affects Number of College Girls Going Wild

Tom McCaffrey wrote a very funny tongue and cheek article for the Huffington Post about the sluggish economy and its effect on Spring Break revelers.

The shaky economy has really affected every aspect of American culture. Less people are spending, people are losing their homes and unemployment is at its highest since the 30's. But one truly disturbing sign that our country is in a slump is the noticeable drop in college girls going wild during Spring Break. Spring Break '09 showed the lowest amount of drunken women taking off their tops for video cameras ever. Many people are speculating as to why this is happening. A psychologist had this analysis; "Women are scared. They don't have the money to go out and get drunk enough to make horrible decisions anymore. And due to the sluggish economy most bars have done away with their 'ladies drink free' nights. Also women know how bad the job market is now and they don't want to do anything to hurt their chances with potential employers." A young woman enrolled at University of Colorado had this to say; "I just don't feel like I can afford to go wild right now. I'm staying in more and saving my money. In this economy everything is suffering. We all need to cut back. I don't even take off my clothes when I shower anymore. I was wild for years and look what it's done to our economy."

Daughter sues father over being grounded

If there was any evidence that our legal system is screwed here it is.

A Quebec father who was taken to court by his 12-year-old daughter after he grounded her in June 2008 has lost his appeal.

Quebec Superior Court rejected the Gatineau father's appeal of a lower court ruling that said his punishment was too severe for the wrongs he said his daughter committed.

The father is "flabbergasted," his lawyer Kim Beaudoin told CBC News.

In its ruling, issued Monday, the province's court of appeal declared the girl was caught up in a "very rare" set of circumstances, and her father didn't have sufficient grounds to contest the court's earlier decision.

The family's legal wrangling started with a dispute over the girl's internet use.

'Either way, he doesn't have authority over this child anymore. She sued him because she doesn't respect his rules. It's very hard to raise a child who is the boss.'

— Kim Beaudoin, the father's lawyerShe had been living with her father after her parents split up when he grounded her in 2008 for defying his order to stay off the internet. The father caught her chatting on websites he had blocked, and alleged his daughter was posting "inappropriate pictures" of herself online.

Her punishment: she was banned from her Grade 6 graduation trip to Quebec City in June 2008, for which her mother had already granted permission.

The father — who had custody — withheld his written permission for the trip, prompting the school to refuse to let the girl go with her classmates.

That's when the girl asked for help from the lawyer who represented her in her parents' separation, and petitioned the court to intervene in her case.

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

Legal battle destroyed father-daughter relationship
A lower court ruled in the girl's favour in 2008. She went on the trip, but her father appealed the decision on the principle of the matter.

He doesn't have regrets, his lawyer said.

"Either way, he doesn't have authority over this child anymore. She sued him because she doesn't respect his rules," Beaudoin said. "It's very hard to raise a child who is the boss."

The girl — who now lives with her mother — doesn't have much of a relationship with her dad now, Beaudoin said.

"We went from a child who wanted to live with her father, and after all this has been done, they're not speaking anymore."

"We have a lot of work to re-establish a link between those two."

Beaudoin believes the ruling reflects a loss of moral authority in Quebec's court system.

"Is this what we want in our society? Laws are supposed to reflect our values. And if the courts aren't reflecting that, maybe the government will, to prevent children from going this way," she said Tuesday, adding her client may take the case to Canada's Supreme Court.

In its Monday ruling, the appeal court warned the case should not be seen as an open invitation for children to take legal action every time they're grounded.

- CBC

Ever wonder where your lost luggage goes?

Ever wonder what happens to lost luggage that never makes it way to the rightful owner? Well it may endup in this guys hands.

Oliver would be screwed.

This is a crazy story. It got me thinking that Oliver would probably be screwed. But the things pets are capable of are amazing.

A canine castaway lost at sea has been reunited with her owners after spending more than four months living off goats on a Queensland island.

Owner Jan Griffith said her family were devastated when their cattle dog, Sophie Tucker, fell off the side of their boat in choppy waters off the Mackay coast in north Queensland in late November.

But unbeknown to them, their hardy hound swam five nautical miles to St Bees Island, where she survived until last week by hunting baby goats.

She was last week returned to her family after rangers captured what they believed was a wild dog.

Ms Griffith said she and her husband had contacted rangers after friends suggested the dog - who had earned a name for herself on the island - might be their long-lost pet.

Last Tuesday the couple met the rangers' boat as it ferried the dog back to the mainland and were blown away to find Sophie Tucker on board.

"We called the dog and she started whimpering and banging the cage and they let her out and she just about flattened us," Ms Griffith said.

"She wriggled around like a mad thing."


But even more unbelievable was hearing how their domesticated "inside" dog had survived, she said.

"She had looked really poor (on the island), the story was, and then all of a sudden she started to look good and it was when the rangers had found baby goat carcases so she'd started eating baby goats," she said.

"We think she'd swum close to five nautical miles from the boat where she went in and then some people believe she went backwards and forwards from Keswick to St Bees (islands)."

Ms Griffith said their pet had been quick to embrace her now easier existence - complete with air conditioning.

APP

European commercials are so much funnier

Home Away From Home

My job requires a fair bit of travel, which I enjoy for the most part. You get to get out of town, eat some room service, check out a new city and the most satisfying part of it all is sending my company the expense bill. But there are a few annoyances that you cannot escape while traveling and they are as follows in no particular order:

1) Being stuck in the middle seat on the plane.
2) No arm rest in the rental car. This usually only happens when I rent the economy car. I cannot overstate how annoying this is.
3) Hotel rooms are very dry and I get cotton mouth.
4) Hotel pillows are way to puffy.
5) Not every hotel has wireless, I know this doesn't sound like much, but when you have had the pleasure of eating onion rings in bed while on facebook, you won't ever want to go back.

Pictures of Earth Hour

A great site full of amazing pictures of Earth Hour before and afters

Super old cylinder music restored and digitized

Syracuse University is restoring some really old cylinder music. "The Belfer Cylinders Digital Connection provides online access to digital audio files of cylinders in the Belfer Audio Laboratory and Archive. Belfer’s cylinder collection includes over 22,000 cylinders, 12,000 of which are unique titles. The goal of this digitization project is to provide 6,000 audio files by 2010."

Pride Prejudice and Zombies

For everyone who couldn't get through Pride and Prejudice, it now comes chalked full of Zombies. They took the original text and added a Zombie theme. You can check out the first three chapters here

Matchstick men taken to a new level

Patrick Acton builds crazy matchstick sculptures. Here is his sculpture of Hogwarts.
He also had no Tokien's City of Kings.

Where have all the vampires gone?

Found this on Futurismic. She makes a good point.

on vampires and stochastic processes
Posted by Laura on March 26, 2009


Welcome vampire enthusiasts! See the response posted on March 31.
The movie Twilight came out on DVD came out earlier in the week. This movie about teenage vampires made a lot of money at the box office, and I have to admit that I’m a little curious to see what all the fuss is about. But I can’t get into the whole vampire thing. I have a great deal of skepticism about vampires.

Here’s my problem with vampires. I have a hard time believing that there would be just a few vampires out there and that the existence of vampires would be such a well-kept secret. After all, they reproduce rather easily (a single vampire could create thousands of offspring, whereas there are limits to human reproduction) and vampires don’t die easily. If there were vampires, they would almost certainly outnumber humans (but then vampires would run out of food).

This argument becomes even more overwhelming if you model a vampire population as a branching process or birth-death process and assume that each vampire in the population has probability Pj of producing j offspring (with j=0,1,2,… ). The vampire population would either explode or die out, depending on the expected number of offspring per vampire. But if you take into account the fact that vampires live many, many generations (they’re virtually immortal) and may create thousands of offspring, the population explodes (if you assume that each vampire creates at least one vampire, on average, before it dies). With those numbers, vampires would not be living under the radar–they would be everywhere!

I have yet to see a vampire movie that implicitly assumes that there is a reasonable model for vampire population dynamics (using a stochastic process framework or something else). And frankly, I’m pretty disappointed. Until I am offered a reasonable explanation for why there aren’t more vampires, I won’t be able to jump on the vampire bandwagon. If I had free time, maybe I would write a mathematically consistent vampire novel.

Worked to death

I worry about this sometimes. Not that I will work myself to death or anything like that, but I worry that I will die and no one will notice. I can see if your a crazy cat lady and you live alone and don't have any family and you drop dead and are only found because it was 90 degrees in your apartment and the smell of cat urine and rotting death is too much for your neighbours to stomach. But how does that happen in a crowded office? Have we become so self absorbed that we don't notice a dead collegue sitting at their desk for 5 days? Apparently so.

Cashing in on the recession

Today on the radio I heard a commercial for Webber BBQ's. The ad said that in this recession money is tight and you can save money by eating at home while enjoying gourmet food by grilling it on a Webber BBQ. A Webber BBQ starts at $500 and they range into the thousands. Does anybody really need a $500 BBQ? Especially in a recession.

Having said that I have a $500 BBQ and it is an amazing grilling machine of goodness and I highly recomend one...well after the recession anyway.

Shame shame double shame I know your girlfriend's name.

Just in case you ever wanted a list of former presidents girlfriends Annie Kevans not only compiled a list she has painted a lovely series of oil portraits of the girlfriends of U.S. Presidents.

Troubled Media Dinosaur

Newspapers have fallen on hard times of late. They are cutting back and laying off people at an alarming rate. So what do you do when your a you're a troubled media dinosaur struggling to find your way on the Web?

Well if you're the New York times you send Apartment Therapy a DMCA take-down notice demanding removal of a long list of blog posts containing images from the Times (in posts about relevant Times articles). This is such a foolish move, why would you want to discourage traffic to your site? Especially given the fact that newspapers, even the Times sales are down. Part of the reason newspapers have fallen on hard times is beacuase they have been so slow to embrace the Web as a viable tool. Shame on you Times, however I do love your Freakonomics blog.

Days of yesteryear

Ever notice how the golden era of things is never this era? Check out some cool pictures of vintage grocery stores. Look how wholesome things looked back then.

Digging a hole to China

Remember when you were a kid and you thought that if you dug a hole deep enough that you would end up in China? Well now you can find out exactly what is on the other side of the world.

Breaking up is hard to do

I hate it when a couple in your group breaks up. It bothers me in a completely selfish way. It throws the balance of the group off. It makes dinner plans much more complicated, especially if both people remain affiliated with the group. And it forces people to take sides, which sucks. I don't care if you stay together for the kids, but do it for the group. It's a basic utilitarian courtesy.

I'm sick of...

I'm sick of being sick, even though its only been two and a half days. I am sick of the cold weather. Complaining about these things are two of the most annoying things a person can complain about. Perhaps reading them on a blog wwill be less annoying then hearing me complain about them. On second thought it will probably be more annoying, especially because there is a strong possibility you will hear me complain about them as well.

I guess we know Brit isn't lip synching after all

Watch Britney Spears Privates Are Hanging Out on CollegeHumor

Sadly I will still bitch about delayed flights

CK Louis has a point. We have become greedy entilted little shits.

U2=MC Overated

U2's new album dropped today and I wonder does anyone really care? It got me thinking do I even know a true U2 fan? The answer: nope. U2 has to be one of the most overrated bands in the history of recorded music.

I'm not saying that they are horrible, just that they are overrated. Bono's caterwauling and drawn out pronunciation of every word sounds like a slightly more melodic autistic child. Edge isn't nearly talented enough to be referred to as Edge. Their music is so pretentious. Every album bring about a new cause. I am all up for forgiving third world debt just as much as the next guy, but having someone with more money than God telling me the evils of capitalism is hard to swallow. Criticizing countries even your own for not contributing more to humanitarian aid is a noble cause. Moving your tax holdings to the Netherlands to avoid higher taxes at home is financially smart, but if everyone does this there will be no money for Ireland to give to anyone, even their schools and hospitals. That is neither here nor there my point is U2 is overrated.

There music is run of the mill rock with a few songs with decent lyrics. I am a pretty big music fan but I would be hard pressed to name more than 5 U2 songs. Most of their songs are boring and kind of depressing. If you want to rock out there are a hundred bands you would listen to before U2, and if you wanted to listen to music that matters there are a hundred bands you'd listen to before U2. To sum it up, who and why do people listen to U2? I don't know.

Oh, and enough with the colored glasses already. Bono looks like a cross between Ali G and McCartney.

Back that ass up

Remember highschool dances? I do. They were lame, even if you were high. I remember a bunch of the stoners were always tyring to mosh to Nirvana, and then they banned moshing at any school dance. I am pretty sure you need more than five stoners for a mosh pit. Anyway it was banned, as was the song Me So Horney by Two Live Crew.

Now schools are banning grinding at dances. The more things change the more they stay the same. If they want to ban grinding just show them this video. WTF?

A Shot in the Dark

This is why America gets made fun of. This kind of reminds me of Wayne's World, when Wayne says "I don't even own a gun, let alone enough guns to necessitate a whole gun rack" Other than drug dealers, fugitives and zombie killers who would need one of these? The best part is at the end of the video.

Join the "people against cancer, killing kittens, pandas, puppies and cute babies"

Why do people feel the need to invite you to every group imaginable? I hate it when someone sends you an invite to a group that you feel obligated to join, like the "people against cancer" or "stop the killing of puppies" or "my grandmothers memorial" how can you say no to these and not feel a bit like a dick?

I think secretly people invite you to these just to put you in an uncomfortable spot, oh, and to see if your a dick.

My Thoughts on the Oscars are Meaningless, Just Like Yours.

The blogosphere as the kids say, will be filled to the tits with thoughts, comments and opinions on the Oscars. So I am going to skip back to the two hour pre-Oscar show I had watched. The funny thing about it was I couldn't stop watching it. It was horrible and a complete and utter waste of time but I was drawn to it like a moth to the flame.

I watched e-Talk with Ben Mulroney, Tanya Kim, and Lainey. Ben was working his horrible hair cut on the red carpet begging for interview scraps while Kim and Lainey were perched in some sort of bell tower. Watching Ben besiege red carpet goers couldn't have been more awkward. You know when you are trying to get a girl's attention at a bar, and everyone around them hears you except the actual person you want to speak to, so you keep trying and it starts to look more and more pathetic until you start to realize its pathetic too, but your so desperate you sheepishly keep trying? It was kind of like that but worse.

Half the people had no idea who he was and he was insistent on greeting them with "Nice to see you again" which prompted nervous smiles from the various celebs while they quickly racked their brains to see if they should know who he is. Then they kept cutting to the two dimwits in the tower who would rip on the better looking chicks outfits as if they were they be all end all fashionistas. Who the fuck is Lainey and why would her opinion mean anything to anyone? Why is she even their? People wonder why networks and news papers are in the red, it is because they are paying big bucks to hacks for fashion up dates and potential red carpet frenemy clashes.

I am almost positive neither one of these girls have seen more than three of the movies and probably didn't understand more than one of them. Lainey went on ad nauseum about all the parties she has been to this week, and who she saw. She really did nothing but pimp her blog. And it got me thinking...Who cares? Who cares what they have to say? Their opinion means nothing to anybody. I'm a sucker to see who looks good and who will be making the worst dressed list, but other than that I couldn't care less about what Lainey with no last name thinks about anything, let alone if she thinks Sarah Jessica "Dee Snider look a like" Parker needs to "step it up" in her wardrobe department.

We all want to believe we are special and what we have to say is important and has value. The hard truth is this is just not so.

"Never apologize and never explain--it's a sign of weakness."

"Never apologize and never explain--it's a sign of weakness." ~ John Wayne.

Barry Bonds, Bill Clinton, Nixon, and Pete Rose I think, in there most private moments would disagree. All these men have found themselves at one time or another with their hands caught in the proverbial cookie jar. And all these men have resorted to a primal instinct when cornered, and that is to deny, deny, deny.

This strategy has proven time and time again to be a colossal failure. The only thing the public hates more than a Steroid user, a womanizer, a corrupt politician and a gambler is a LIAR. The court of public opinion has riled and the verdict is…Lying is a no no.

What we want is contrition and honesty. Admit your mistakes and do so in a public forum so we can watch you squirm. However if you do apologize don’t half ass it. It doesn’t count if you apologize through a press release, nor does it count if your agent and or lawyer reads your apology. Hell I don’t think it counts if your lawyer and or agent writes it for you.

Christian Bale called up a local radio station and apologized. It was sincere, self deprecating and he made no excuses for his behavior. This is all you could ask for in an apology. The exact opposite would be the A-Rod farce. A-Rod not only dates Madonna but is the starting 3rd basemen for the Yankees. It has come to light that A-Rod tested positive for Steroids in 2003.

Being that A-Rod was caught red handed, and that he has plenty of baseball left in him he was forced to apologize and beg for mercy from the court of public opinion. But A-Rod skipped one crucial role in his public apology; taking responsibility for his actions. Instead A-Rod half apologized. He sort of admitted he may have used an illegal substance but that he didn’t know what it was. His excuse was that he was young and naive and let his cousin inject him with an unknown substance. The apology was rehearsed, probably written by his agent and insincere.

This was not a good public apology. Ultimately this will prove to be a bad decision on his part. The controversy would have gone away a lot sooner if he showed contrition, remorse and admitted his actions. And he also cheated me out of the satisfaction of watching a mighty public figure fall and beg for my forgiveness. Damn you A-Roid!

First Rule of Cock Fighting...Don't Talk About Cock Fighting.

I heard a terrible story on the news about a cock fighting ring in Ontario. The news report went on at length about what a disgusting activity cock fighting is and how inhumane it is. The reporter and the police spokesperson were justifiably upset and outraged. They found 8 dead roosters and 68 living roosters. After the reporter told us that they were forced to fight to the death and that these were beautiful animals she then informed us that they were all humanely euthanized.
What the fuck, you break up a cock fighting ring, chastise all involved, recued 68 beautiful birds and then destroyed them. What was the point? Hell, the birds would have been better off fighting to the death; at least one bird would live.

Drinking at 30,000 feet?

I fly fairly regularly and I am amazed how many people order alcoholic during a flight. I typically fly in Western Canada so my flights are usually under two hours. Even during the hour and twenty minute flight to Alberta people are routinely order drinks, and I not only talking beers here. Chicks are grabbing little wine bottles and guys are crushing rum and cokes. And perhaps the most perplexing are Ceasars. Seriously, if you want a Caesar or a Paralyzer you just have to wait until you get home or to the bar.

I don’t have a problem with order drinks on a plane, I just don’t get it. I mean I can get behind people getting their buzz on as they head down to Vegas or Mexico on vacation. Or on the Friday evening flight heading back home, but Wednesday at 3:30 seems unnecessary. On a related note Southwest Airlines switched from a cash bar to a credit card bar, and have increased sales by 4 million a year.

Super Bowl, super waste of money

In Super Bowl tradition General Motors gives a Cadillac away to the MVP. But this year is different. The economy is in the tank, the big 3 are begging for a massive government bail out, and the average person is sick of seeing the millions of dollars frivolously spent by large corporations while they struggle to buy milk.

But this year things would be different. This year GM would give away the 85,000 dollar Cadillac away in secrecy. The NFL, a billion dollar company, insisted that GM honour their contract. GM’s licensing agreement with the NFL was signed well before the economy was in the crapper and before they had to grovel at the feet of Congress. I usually think most corporate sponsorships are a big waste of money and are shining examples of why companies like GM end up in the financial mess they are. For example paying Tiger Woods 7 million a year to have the Buick logo on his bag still does not suddenly make Buick a cool car to drive if you’re under 65. However, when you look at the price of a one minute Super Bowl ad an 85,000 dollar car give away seems like a bargain.

The NFL made the worst decision possible by not giving the car away as they usually do; in an on field celebration. I know why the NFL and GM did not want to give the car away in public, as the optics couldn’t be worse. GM is begging for table scraps from the tax payer but is still going to give away an 85,000 dollar whip to an overpaid millionaire. And they are right, that would have been a horrible decision; but not as bad as still giving away the car in private and trying hide the fact that they did. First off, there was no way someone wasn’t going to find out about the MVP getting a free car. Spoiled rich athletes love free stuff just as much as we do; they just get better free stuff. Santonio Holmes would be driving his Caddy right down to West Coast Customs to trick that bitch out and telling everyone along the way who would listen that he got it for free!

It’s always the cover up that gets you screwed, ask Clinton. The idea of a sponsorship deal like GM’s is to show your product off to millions of people, and try to attach the popularity of the NFL to your product. What better way than having the best player of the Super Bowl driving off the field in your car. By not giving away the car as they usually do, GM got zero benefits of giving a car away. The received no return on their investment. Even though the optics would be bad, it would have been more beneficial for GM and the tax payer to have the publicity of giving a Caddy away on national television.

What the NFL should have done is offer to buy the Cadillac for the retail price and give it away themselves to the MVP. This is a win win for everybody. The NFL wouldn’t look like greedy pigs, GM looks like they aren’t hemorrhaging money by giving away free cars and they would still gain the benefits of their original sponsorship. And most importantly a rich athlete gets an 85,000 dollar whip to add to his collection. Things aren’t going get any better until billion dollar companies are willing to share in some of the sacrifice. By the way the NFL had record numbers this year.

I want my Hulk back.

I imagine every current and former celebrity strive to remain relevant in today’s pop- culture landscape. The competition for celebrities to remain in the forefront of the collective conscious has never been fiercer. Andy Warhol’s “15 minutes of fame” has reached heights that even Warhol himself could have never imagined 40 years ago. There is YouTube, MySpace, blogs, unprecedented television channels and more movies being released than ever before. There are more celebrities than ever before all vying for our attention. This has forced many celebrities to re-invent themselves.

I do not begrudge celebrities their fame or fortune. I do not begrudge them re-inventing themselves; having said that I want the Hulk Hogan from my childhood back. The original Hulk stood for all that was good. I wanted to be just like Hulk, body slamming Andre the Giant in front of a sold out Shea Stadium. Fast forward 25 years to Hogan Knows Best a reality show centered around the charismatic former WWF champion and his dysfunctional family.

For those who tuned in, you were treated to the demise of the once invincible Hogan. He got divorced, his son was incarcerated for vehicular manslaughter and his daughter was exposed as a stupid tart. He now hosts a ridiculous (and I use the term loosely) “celebrity” wrestling show on MTV. For some reason seeing the Hulkster resorting to crappy reality tv programs it saddens me.

Paving the way for the Hulkster was Ozzy and his Meet the Osbournes; which televised a dysfunctional family falling apart. Worse than that it broadcast to the world the once legendary, bat eating, king of metal Ozzy reduced to a shuffling incoherent mess.

Even worse than the previous two was the destruction of Flavor Flav. The man with the clock was once part of the most influential rap acts of all time. He played the stereo type to Chuck D’s race breaking persona. He used to stand for something. He was a counter culture icon. Then came his appearance on the Surreal Life. I’m not sure who is to blame. His agent for having zero foresight, the shows creators for taking advantage of a desperate rapper, or the drugs that have obviously taken its toll over the years.

I guess I am selfish, but I hate seeing cherished memories of my childhood co-opted into terrible commercial recreations. I want my Ozzy, Hulk Hogan, Flavor Flav, and Vanilla Ice and Screech memories back.