A Shot in the Dark

This is why America gets made fun of. This kind of reminds me of Wayne's World, when Wayne says "I don't even own a gun, let alone enough guns to necessitate a whole gun rack" Other than drug dealers, fugitives and zombie killers who would need one of these? The best part is at the end of the video.

Join the "people against cancer, killing kittens, pandas, puppies and cute babies"

Why do people feel the need to invite you to every group imaginable? I hate it when someone sends you an invite to a group that you feel obligated to join, like the "people against cancer" or "stop the killing of puppies" or "my grandmothers memorial" how can you say no to these and not feel a bit like a dick?

I think secretly people invite you to these just to put you in an uncomfortable spot, oh, and to see if your a dick.

My Thoughts on the Oscars are Meaningless, Just Like Yours.

The blogosphere as the kids say, will be filled to the tits with thoughts, comments and opinions on the Oscars. So I am going to skip back to the two hour pre-Oscar show I had watched. The funny thing about it was I couldn't stop watching it. It was horrible and a complete and utter waste of time but I was drawn to it like a moth to the flame.

I watched e-Talk with Ben Mulroney, Tanya Kim, and Lainey. Ben was working his horrible hair cut on the red carpet begging for interview scraps while Kim and Lainey were perched in some sort of bell tower. Watching Ben besiege red carpet goers couldn't have been more awkward. You know when you are trying to get a girl's attention at a bar, and everyone around them hears you except the actual person you want to speak to, so you keep trying and it starts to look more and more pathetic until you start to realize its pathetic too, but your so desperate you sheepishly keep trying? It was kind of like that but worse.

Half the people had no idea who he was and he was insistent on greeting them with "Nice to see you again" which prompted nervous smiles from the various celebs while they quickly racked their brains to see if they should know who he is. Then they kept cutting to the two dimwits in the tower who would rip on the better looking chicks outfits as if they were they be all end all fashionistas. Who the fuck is Lainey and why would her opinion mean anything to anyone? Why is she even their? People wonder why networks and news papers are in the red, it is because they are paying big bucks to hacks for fashion up dates and potential red carpet frenemy clashes.

I am almost positive neither one of these girls have seen more than three of the movies and probably didn't understand more than one of them. Lainey went on ad nauseum about all the parties she has been to this week, and who she saw. She really did nothing but pimp her blog. And it got me thinking...Who cares? Who cares what they have to say? Their opinion means nothing to anybody. I'm a sucker to see who looks good and who will be making the worst dressed list, but other than that I couldn't care less about what Lainey with no last name thinks about anything, let alone if she thinks Sarah Jessica "Dee Snider look a like" Parker needs to "step it up" in her wardrobe department.

We all want to believe we are special and what we have to say is important and has value. The hard truth is this is just not so.

"Never apologize and never explain--it's a sign of weakness."

"Never apologize and never explain--it's a sign of weakness." ~ John Wayne.

Barry Bonds, Bill Clinton, Nixon, and Pete Rose I think, in there most private moments would disagree. All these men have found themselves at one time or another with their hands caught in the proverbial cookie jar. And all these men have resorted to a primal instinct when cornered, and that is to deny, deny, deny.

This strategy has proven time and time again to be a colossal failure. The only thing the public hates more than a Steroid user, a womanizer, a corrupt politician and a gambler is a LIAR. The court of public opinion has riled and the verdict is…Lying is a no no.

What we want is contrition and honesty. Admit your mistakes and do so in a public forum so we can watch you squirm. However if you do apologize don’t half ass it. It doesn’t count if you apologize through a press release, nor does it count if your agent and or lawyer reads your apology. Hell I don’t think it counts if your lawyer and or agent writes it for you.

Christian Bale called up a local radio station and apologized. It was sincere, self deprecating and he made no excuses for his behavior. This is all you could ask for in an apology. The exact opposite would be the A-Rod farce. A-Rod not only dates Madonna but is the starting 3rd basemen for the Yankees. It has come to light that A-Rod tested positive for Steroids in 2003.

Being that A-Rod was caught red handed, and that he has plenty of baseball left in him he was forced to apologize and beg for mercy from the court of public opinion. But A-Rod skipped one crucial role in his public apology; taking responsibility for his actions. Instead A-Rod half apologized. He sort of admitted he may have used an illegal substance but that he didn’t know what it was. His excuse was that he was young and naive and let his cousin inject him with an unknown substance. The apology was rehearsed, probably written by his agent and insincere.

This was not a good public apology. Ultimately this will prove to be a bad decision on his part. The controversy would have gone away a lot sooner if he showed contrition, remorse and admitted his actions. And he also cheated me out of the satisfaction of watching a mighty public figure fall and beg for my forgiveness. Damn you A-Roid!

First Rule of Cock Fighting...Don't Talk About Cock Fighting.

I heard a terrible story on the news about a cock fighting ring in Ontario. The news report went on at length about what a disgusting activity cock fighting is and how inhumane it is. The reporter and the police spokesperson were justifiably upset and outraged. They found 8 dead roosters and 68 living roosters. After the reporter told us that they were forced to fight to the death and that these were beautiful animals she then informed us that they were all humanely euthanized.
What the fuck, you break up a cock fighting ring, chastise all involved, recued 68 beautiful birds and then destroyed them. What was the point? Hell, the birds would have been better off fighting to the death; at least one bird would live.

Drinking at 30,000 feet?

I fly fairly regularly and I am amazed how many people order alcoholic during a flight. I typically fly in Western Canada so my flights are usually under two hours. Even during the hour and twenty minute flight to Alberta people are routinely order drinks, and I not only talking beers here. Chicks are grabbing little wine bottles and guys are crushing rum and cokes. And perhaps the most perplexing are Ceasars. Seriously, if you want a Caesar or a Paralyzer you just have to wait until you get home or to the bar.

I don’t have a problem with order drinks on a plane, I just don’t get it. I mean I can get behind people getting their buzz on as they head down to Vegas or Mexico on vacation. Or on the Friday evening flight heading back home, but Wednesday at 3:30 seems unnecessary. On a related note Southwest Airlines switched from a cash bar to a credit card bar, and have increased sales by 4 million a year.

Super Bowl, super waste of money

In Super Bowl tradition General Motors gives a Cadillac away to the MVP. But this year is different. The economy is in the tank, the big 3 are begging for a massive government bail out, and the average person is sick of seeing the millions of dollars frivolously spent by large corporations while they struggle to buy milk.

But this year things would be different. This year GM would give away the 85,000 dollar Cadillac away in secrecy. The NFL, a billion dollar company, insisted that GM honour their contract. GM’s licensing agreement with the NFL was signed well before the economy was in the crapper and before they had to grovel at the feet of Congress. I usually think most corporate sponsorships are a big waste of money and are shining examples of why companies like GM end up in the financial mess they are. For example paying Tiger Woods 7 million a year to have the Buick logo on his bag still does not suddenly make Buick a cool car to drive if you’re under 65. However, when you look at the price of a one minute Super Bowl ad an 85,000 dollar car give away seems like a bargain.

The NFL made the worst decision possible by not giving the car away as they usually do; in an on field celebration. I know why the NFL and GM did not want to give the car away in public, as the optics couldn’t be worse. GM is begging for table scraps from the tax payer but is still going to give away an 85,000 dollar whip to an overpaid millionaire. And they are right, that would have been a horrible decision; but not as bad as still giving away the car in private and trying hide the fact that they did. First off, there was no way someone wasn’t going to find out about the MVP getting a free car. Spoiled rich athletes love free stuff just as much as we do; they just get better free stuff. Santonio Holmes would be driving his Caddy right down to West Coast Customs to trick that bitch out and telling everyone along the way who would listen that he got it for free!

It’s always the cover up that gets you screwed, ask Clinton. The idea of a sponsorship deal like GM’s is to show your product off to millions of people, and try to attach the popularity of the NFL to your product. What better way than having the best player of the Super Bowl driving off the field in your car. By not giving away the car as they usually do, GM got zero benefits of giving a car away. The received no return on their investment. Even though the optics would be bad, it would have been more beneficial for GM and the tax payer to have the publicity of giving a Caddy away on national television.

What the NFL should have done is offer to buy the Cadillac for the retail price and give it away themselves to the MVP. This is a win win for everybody. The NFL wouldn’t look like greedy pigs, GM looks like they aren’t hemorrhaging money by giving away free cars and they would still gain the benefits of their original sponsorship. And most importantly a rich athlete gets an 85,000 dollar whip to add to his collection. Things aren’t going get any better until billion dollar companies are willing to share in some of the sacrifice. By the way the NFL had record numbers this year.

I want my Hulk back.

I imagine every current and former celebrity strive to remain relevant in today’s pop- culture landscape. The competition for celebrities to remain in the forefront of the collective conscious has never been fiercer. Andy Warhol’s “15 minutes of fame” has reached heights that even Warhol himself could have never imagined 40 years ago. There is YouTube, MySpace, blogs, unprecedented television channels and more movies being released than ever before. There are more celebrities than ever before all vying for our attention. This has forced many celebrities to re-invent themselves.

I do not begrudge celebrities their fame or fortune. I do not begrudge them re-inventing themselves; having said that I want the Hulk Hogan from my childhood back. The original Hulk stood for all that was good. I wanted to be just like Hulk, body slamming Andre the Giant in front of a sold out Shea Stadium. Fast forward 25 years to Hogan Knows Best a reality show centered around the charismatic former WWF champion and his dysfunctional family.

For those who tuned in, you were treated to the demise of the once invincible Hogan. He got divorced, his son was incarcerated for vehicular manslaughter and his daughter was exposed as a stupid tart. He now hosts a ridiculous (and I use the term loosely) “celebrity” wrestling show on MTV. For some reason seeing the Hulkster resorting to crappy reality tv programs it saddens me.

Paving the way for the Hulkster was Ozzy and his Meet the Osbournes; which televised a dysfunctional family falling apart. Worse than that it broadcast to the world the once legendary, bat eating, king of metal Ozzy reduced to a shuffling incoherent mess.

Even worse than the previous two was the destruction of Flavor Flav. The man with the clock was once part of the most influential rap acts of all time. He played the stereo type to Chuck D’s race breaking persona. He used to stand for something. He was a counter culture icon. Then came his appearance on the Surreal Life. I’m not sure who is to blame. His agent for having zero foresight, the shows creators for taking advantage of a desperate rapper, or the drugs that have obviously taken its toll over the years.

I guess I am selfish, but I hate seeing cherished memories of my childhood co-opted into terrible commercial recreations. I want my Ozzy, Hulk Hogan, Flavor Flav, and Vanilla Ice and Screech memories back.